Tuesday, February 15, 2005
Evolution
This rant is going to make a lot of people very angry, and that is what it is intended to do. If you're too childish to consider different points of view, I suggest you stop reading now and go revel in your close-mindedness with the other dumbshits of the world.
Today I received this month's National Geographic, and looking at all the letters to the editor concerning the article on evolution from two issues ago severely pissed me off. I live in a country of ignorant but very loud yokels who can't handle the truth! By the way, National Geographic, I applaud you for taking such a firm stand on the issue. Making the yokels angry is good for them.
"Evolution is just a theory!" has long been the rallying cry of creationists. Obviously the kind of people who shout this have no conception of what constitutes a scientific theory. Gravitation is "just a theory" too, folks. There's no "proof" that gravity exists, other than that we don't just go floating off into space at a moment's notice. These ignorant hicks can't tell the difference between a theory and a hypothesis. Theories are backed up by a vast bodies of convincing evidence and are accepted as scientific fact. Hypotheses are just ideas, suggestions. Evolution is a theory. Creationism is a hypothesis, and a pretty poor one at that.
"You can't prove the theory of evolution!" shout the creationists. Of course you can't, you dumbasses. You can't prove the theory of gravitation either, but that doesn't make it false. And if you creationists are looking for proof, you definitely picked the wrong camp. Maybe we can't "prove" our theory, but you can't find even a shred of factual evidence to support your claims. All the evidence, every single piece found so far, supports the theory of evolution. What evidence do you have to deny the existence of evolution? The Bible? Try scientific evidence. There isn't any. And no matter how hard-core you may be, you still don't take everything the Bible says literally. If you know what pi is, you know that it is 3.14159..., not 3, which is the value given in the Bible. "Love your enemies," said Jesus. So why do you have that shotgun?
If I came out with a hypothesis that our feet stay on the ground not because of gravity but because the ground was sticky, I would be the laughingstock of the world, even the yokels. I wouldn't be able to find any support for my argument, and no intelligent person would believe my claim with no evidence to support it. Because all the evidence demonstrates that gravitation is the correct explanation for staying attached to the earth, no one would take me seriously. Anyone who did would have to be either dumb as a stump or delusional. If you believe that the theory of evolution is wrong without a shred of evidence, then you must be either dumb as a stump or delusional.
"How could something as perfect as a human being have evolved?" ask the creationists. First of all, are human beings really perfect? We squabble. We kill each other. Some of us are even idiotic enough to believe that evolution is wrong. We're not perfect, but we are suited to our environment. We have feet and arms and opposable thumbs and penises not because God decided that we would but because we evolved them to cope with changing environments. To a primitive caveman, my sticky-earth hypothesis would make much more sense than the theory of gravitation because it is much simpler. Creationism is also a simple theory, and much better suited to the mind of the primitive caveman than the complex reality that is evolution.
The problem is that the primitive cavemen think creationism should be taught in schools in place of evolution, or at least be given equal billing. And unfortunately, the cavemen are loud and stubborn in addition to possesing only limited intelligence and rudimentary tool-making skills. Not only are these so-called people dumbasses, but they're damned if their children are going to grow up to be any more intelligent than they are. It makes as much sense to present children with my sticky-earth hypothesis as an alternative to gravity as it does to present them with creationism as an alternative to evolution.
The point is, evolution is a theory. It's supported by every piece of evidence found thus far, and it's accepted by science as the correct explanation for the origin of species. Evolution is a theory. Creationism is nothing.
That said, I'm not trying to put down anyone's religion. People who believe in God and creation don't piss me off, just people who don't believe in evolution. Creation and evolution aren't mutually exclusive, guys. There's no real evidence that God created life, but faith means believing in things when there's no evidence. I have no problem with that. Not believing in something when all the evidence points that way is called idiocy.
If any of you right-wing morons can formulate an argument against evolution that's convincing in any way, I would be very interested to read it.
Today I received this month's National Geographic, and looking at all the letters to the editor concerning the article on evolution from two issues ago severely pissed me off. I live in a country of ignorant but very loud yokels who can't handle the truth! By the way, National Geographic, I applaud you for taking such a firm stand on the issue. Making the yokels angry is good for them.
"Evolution is just a theory!" has long been the rallying cry of creationists. Obviously the kind of people who shout this have no conception of what constitutes a scientific theory. Gravitation is "just a theory" too, folks. There's no "proof" that gravity exists, other than that we don't just go floating off into space at a moment's notice. These ignorant hicks can't tell the difference between a theory and a hypothesis. Theories are backed up by a vast bodies of convincing evidence and are accepted as scientific fact. Hypotheses are just ideas, suggestions. Evolution is a theory. Creationism is a hypothesis, and a pretty poor one at that.
"You can't prove the theory of evolution!" shout the creationists. Of course you can't, you dumbasses. You can't prove the theory of gravitation either, but that doesn't make it false. And if you creationists are looking for proof, you definitely picked the wrong camp. Maybe we can't "prove" our theory, but you can't find even a shred of factual evidence to support your claims. All the evidence, every single piece found so far, supports the theory of evolution. What evidence do you have to deny the existence of evolution? The Bible? Try scientific evidence. There isn't any. And no matter how hard-core you may be, you still don't take everything the Bible says literally. If you know what pi is, you know that it is 3.14159..., not 3, which is the value given in the Bible. "Love your enemies," said Jesus. So why do you have that shotgun?
If I came out with a hypothesis that our feet stay on the ground not because of gravity but because the ground was sticky, I would be the laughingstock of the world, even the yokels. I wouldn't be able to find any support for my argument, and no intelligent person would believe my claim with no evidence to support it. Because all the evidence demonstrates that gravitation is the correct explanation for staying attached to the earth, no one would take me seriously. Anyone who did would have to be either dumb as a stump or delusional. If you believe that the theory of evolution is wrong without a shred of evidence, then you must be either dumb as a stump or delusional.
"How could something as perfect as a human being have evolved?" ask the creationists. First of all, are human beings really perfect? We squabble. We kill each other. Some of us are even idiotic enough to believe that evolution is wrong. We're not perfect, but we are suited to our environment. We have feet and arms and opposable thumbs and penises not because God decided that we would but because we evolved them to cope with changing environments. To a primitive caveman, my sticky-earth hypothesis would make much more sense than the theory of gravitation because it is much simpler. Creationism is also a simple theory, and much better suited to the mind of the primitive caveman than the complex reality that is evolution.
The problem is that the primitive cavemen think creationism should be taught in schools in place of evolution, or at least be given equal billing. And unfortunately, the cavemen are loud and stubborn in addition to possesing only limited intelligence and rudimentary tool-making skills. Not only are these so-called people dumbasses, but they're damned if their children are going to grow up to be any more intelligent than they are. It makes as much sense to present children with my sticky-earth hypothesis as an alternative to gravity as it does to present them with creationism as an alternative to evolution.
The point is, evolution is a theory. It's supported by every piece of evidence found thus far, and it's accepted by science as the correct explanation for the origin of species. Evolution is a theory. Creationism is nothing.
That said, I'm not trying to put down anyone's religion. People who believe in God and creation don't piss me off, just people who don't believe in evolution. Creation and evolution aren't mutually exclusive, guys. There's no real evidence that God created life, but faith means believing in things when there's no evidence. I have no problem with that. Not believing in something when all the evidence points that way is called idiocy.
If any of you right-wing morons can formulate an argument against evolution that's convincing in any way, I would be very interested to read it.
Monday, February 14, 2005
Valentine's Day
You've spent hundreds on the perfect gift, perhaps some diamond jewelry or gold-dipped roses, you've got the greeting cards, the flowers, the chocolates. The day is finally here. You may feel happy, but the jewelers, the florists, the greeting card companies, and the candy companies are definitely happier knowing that they have your money. Today you are a social outcast if you aren't emptying your pockets while the corporations that fabricated this so-called "holiday" turn a handsome profit. You're so insecure about your relationship that you need to resort to bribery. You haven't learned yet that money can't buy love, just Hallmark cards and prostitutes.
It's that special day... special, that is, for the chuckling jewelers and florists who watch you scramble around like rats in a cage trying to be the first one to give them money. Valentine's Day isn't about love, it's about profits, and the people who are too stupid to see that are the ones out there buying crap. Valentine's Day isn't a real holiday; it is completely fabricated, a celebration of commercialism and exploitation. When you go out to buy gifts for your sweetheart, you're doing exactly what the jewelers and the florists told you to do. They have you completely under their control. You're being exploited. How does that feel?
Take a moment to think. This probably not something you do every day, but it's not that hard. Look at what you've bought for Valentine's Day. Who's going to benefit from that stuff? You? I think not. That crap is never going to do you any good. You might argue something like, "It shows her how much I love her." That's bullshit. It doesn't show her that you love her, just that you are an idiot with money. And she doesn't benefit from the crap either. Chances are she'll just throw it at you when you break up anyway. Who benefits? Take a wild guess.
Enjoy Exploitation Day, suckers.
It's that special day... special, that is, for the chuckling jewelers and florists who watch you scramble around like rats in a cage trying to be the first one to give them money. Valentine's Day isn't about love, it's about profits, and the people who are too stupid to see that are the ones out there buying crap. Valentine's Day isn't a real holiday; it is completely fabricated, a celebration of commercialism and exploitation. When you go out to buy gifts for your sweetheart, you're doing exactly what the jewelers and the florists told you to do. They have you completely under their control. You're being exploited. How does that feel?
Take a moment to think. This probably not something you do every day, but it's not that hard. Look at what you've bought for Valentine's Day. Who's going to benefit from that stuff? You? I think not. That crap is never going to do you any good. You might argue something like, "It shows her how much I love her." That's bullshit. It doesn't show her that you love her, just that you are an idiot with money. And she doesn't benefit from the crap either. Chances are she'll just throw it at you when you break up anyway. Who benefits? Take a wild guess.
Enjoy Exploitation Day, suckers.
Monday, February 07, 2005
College Board
Who owns your soul? If you're over 18, the answer is probably Satan. If you're under 18, Satan is probably eyeing you, but he won't be able to wrest control of your soul away from its true owner. If you think the true owner is you, you are not only conceited but also a dumbass. Who owns your soul? The College Board does.
If you would prefer not to spend the rest of your life in a cardboard box, the College Board has you in their pocket. They'll make fantastic profits by subjecting you to all kinds of torture (you pick up the tab), and by selling you ways to prepare for that torture. What do you get out of all this? You get a numerical representation of your worth as a human being, totally meaningless yet all-important.
Everyone knows that college admissions is a racket, but no one joins in the racketeering as wholeheartedly as the College Board. If you, like thousands of other high school juniors, are signing up for the SAT tonight, you know what I'm talking about. You can't just "sign up" without filling out pages of personal information that they can sell to colleges, in case they're not making enough money from the SAT alone. But even if they're not, there's still the PSAT and all those fun AP exams you've had to take and will continue to take, and all of them put more money in the College Board's pocket.
You can't live without the College Board (outside of cardboard boxes), and if you're intelligent at all you can't live with them either. How evil do you have to be to be as all-powerful as the College Board? Pretty evil. Have fun registering for the SAT.
If you would prefer not to spend the rest of your life in a cardboard box, the College Board has you in their pocket. They'll make fantastic profits by subjecting you to all kinds of torture (you pick up the tab), and by selling you ways to prepare for that torture. What do you get out of all this? You get a numerical representation of your worth as a human being, totally meaningless yet all-important.
Everyone knows that college admissions is a racket, but no one joins in the racketeering as wholeheartedly as the College Board. If you, like thousands of other high school juniors, are signing up for the SAT tonight, you know what I'm talking about. You can't just "sign up" without filling out pages of personal information that they can sell to colleges, in case they're not making enough money from the SAT alone. But even if they're not, there's still the PSAT and all those fun AP exams you've had to take and will continue to take, and all of them put more money in the College Board's pocket.
You can't live without the College Board (outside of cardboard boxes), and if you're intelligent at all you can't live with them either. How evil do you have to be to be as all-powerful as the College Board? Pretty evil. Have fun registering for the SAT.
Sunday, February 06, 2005
Super Bowl
It's that time again. Time for millions of Americans, young and old, to flock to the 7-11 and stock up on cheese curls and onion dip by the metric ton in a time-honored tradition as retarded as non-alcoholic beer. Time for the select few, the highest percentile of epsilon-minus semi-morons, to seize their warpaint and enormous foam fingers in preparation for the unique opportunity to make fools of themselves, not only in public but on live national television. Time for millions who don't give a shit about sports to spend their afternoon glued to the boob tube. It's the highest holy day of America's official religion. Once again it's time for the Super Bowl.
If you're currently wearing green, silver, red, or blue paint on your face, just stop and think for a moment how idiotic you look. Of course, you're probably drunk off your ass and don't give a shit about how stupid you look on TV, and probably you're too stupid to care even when you're sober. But you look like a complete and total moron when the rest of us see you displayed in all your magnificence, five times actual size, in our living rooms. We're all drunk too, but we'll still laugh at you.
If you're one of those pathetic losers with no sex life who watches the Super Bowl just for the damn ads, then you're even more of an idiot than the freaks with painted faces screaming at the camera. You can't tell a quarterback from a running back but tomorrow you'll be eagerly comparing your favorite ads with your equally stupid cubicle-mates. You don't even know what teams are playing but you'll never forget the Mountain Dew commercial that airs just before the halftime show, which you're only watching in hopes of seeing more breasts. What kind of stupid scum voluntarily submits themselves to the whims of advertisers? You do.
If you couldn't care less about football but you're watching the game because everyone else does, you're just a dumbass lemming incapable of independent thought or existence.
If you're a rabid football fan, sitting at home and heckling the players on the TV screen, at least you're not a poser like the lemming mentioned above. But other than that, I have nothing good to say about you. Stupidity doesn't come any less intelligent than you.
Because when it comes right down to it, the Big Game is just a Big Waste of Time. Super Bowl teams are never evenly matched, so it's probably the least exciting game of the season. Some of you are just watching it for the ads. If everyone currently watching the Super Bowl went outside to make a difference instead, maybe America wouldn't be such a football-loving shithole. Just think about it.
If you're currently wearing green, silver, red, or blue paint on your face, just stop and think for a moment how idiotic you look. Of course, you're probably drunk off your ass and don't give a shit about how stupid you look on TV, and probably you're too stupid to care even when you're sober. But you look like a complete and total moron when the rest of us see you displayed in all your magnificence, five times actual size, in our living rooms. We're all drunk too, but we'll still laugh at you.
If you're one of those pathetic losers with no sex life who watches the Super Bowl just for the damn ads, then you're even more of an idiot than the freaks with painted faces screaming at the camera. You can't tell a quarterback from a running back but tomorrow you'll be eagerly comparing your favorite ads with your equally stupid cubicle-mates. You don't even know what teams are playing but you'll never forget the Mountain Dew commercial that airs just before the halftime show, which you're only watching in hopes of seeing more breasts. What kind of stupid scum voluntarily submits themselves to the whims of advertisers? You do.
If you couldn't care less about football but you're watching the game because everyone else does, you're just a dumbass lemming incapable of independent thought or existence.
If you're a rabid football fan, sitting at home and heckling the players on the TV screen, at least you're not a poser like the lemming mentioned above. But other than that, I have nothing good to say about you. Stupidity doesn't come any less intelligent than you.
Because when it comes right down to it, the Big Game is just a Big Waste of Time. Super Bowl teams are never evenly matched, so it's probably the least exciting game of the season. Some of you are just watching it for the ads. If everyone currently watching the Super Bowl went outside to make a difference instead, maybe America wouldn't be such a football-loving shithole. Just think about it.
Saturday, February 05, 2005
Fortune Cookie
Yesterday I broke open a fortune cookie and found this message staring at me: Strong and bitter words indicate a weak cause. To which I can only say, screw you, cookie!
Thursday, February 03, 2005
Disney
What does the face of evil look like? Does it look like Adolf Hitler? Saddam Hussein? Or perhaps Nathan Bedford Forrest?
The real answer is far more sinister. To see the true face of evil, click here.
The Walt Disney Company? The embodiment of all that is evil? I'm kidding, right?
No, I'm not. Here's why.
The Walt Disney Company exists for one reason and one reason only: to make a buck. Contrary to what their PR department would have you believe, the company is not dedicated to "producing unparalleled entertainment experiences based on its rich legacy of quality creative content and exceptional storytelling." It's true that the entertainment "experiences" made by Disney are unparalleled, but only in terms of sheer crappiness. And anyone who actually believes Disney is committed to "quality creative content" and "exceptional storytelling" has never seen such masterpieces as The Little Mermaid 2: Return to the Sea. For that matter Disney "classics" like Snow White and Cinderella are nothing more than cutesified folk tales that have been adulterated beyond recognition via the addition of anthropomorphic forest animals and painful musical numbers.
Not only are these movies bad, they have a horrible influence on kids. Disney characters are shallow and are guaranteed to conform to race and gender stereotypes. The average Disney heroine is self-centered, vapid, and weak, and her only only goal in life is to get the man. The hero's only goal is to get the girl, which I guess is pretty close to real life but still is not a good role model for kids. I guess that's what they like to call the "magic" of Disney: the magic of turning literary classics into shit and shit into gold.
The quality of a Disney film counts for nothing as long as it has the Disney name and characters you can sell. Before the movie comes out comes the hype: trailers, billboards, soft drink promotions. By the time the film itself actually appears in theaters, the Disney mind control machine will have every kid in the audience clamoring to see it. The sole point of the Disney movie is to sell Disney merchandise. Every time you watch a Disney movie you're assaulted with ads for everything from the Disney Princess Fantasy Castle to the 101 Dalmatians computer game. When kids see the ads they're going to be pleading with their parents for all the merchandise they saw on the magical TV screen, and eventually the parents will be forced to comply. Meanwhile, Disney's profits mount higher and higher. And after the last precious drop of cash has been wrung from the movie come the sequels and spinoffs, which are just as good as you'd expect and available only on video.
Disney is about making money, not about providing entertainment. Next time you're watching a "DisneyDVD" and your kid is begging for all the crappy made-in-China merchandise Disney can fling at you in exchange for lots of your money, just think about what the Walt Disney Company really stands for. When you come to the obvious conclusion, I won't say I told you so.
The real answer is far more sinister. To see the true face of evil, click here.
The Walt Disney Company? The embodiment of all that is evil? I'm kidding, right?
No, I'm not. Here's why.
The Walt Disney Company exists for one reason and one reason only: to make a buck. Contrary to what their PR department would have you believe, the company is not dedicated to "producing unparalleled entertainment experiences based on its rich legacy of quality creative content and exceptional storytelling." It's true that the entertainment "experiences" made by Disney are unparalleled, but only in terms of sheer crappiness. And anyone who actually believes Disney is committed to "quality creative content" and "exceptional storytelling" has never seen such masterpieces as The Little Mermaid 2: Return to the Sea. For that matter Disney "classics" like Snow White and Cinderella are nothing more than cutesified folk tales that have been adulterated beyond recognition via the addition of anthropomorphic forest animals and painful musical numbers.
Not only are these movies bad, they have a horrible influence on kids. Disney characters are shallow and are guaranteed to conform to race and gender stereotypes. The average Disney heroine is self-centered, vapid, and weak, and her only only goal in life is to get the man. The hero's only goal is to get the girl, which I guess is pretty close to real life but still is not a good role model for kids. I guess that's what they like to call the "magic" of Disney: the magic of turning literary classics into shit and shit into gold.
The quality of a Disney film counts for nothing as long as it has the Disney name and characters you can sell. Before the movie comes out comes the hype: trailers, billboards, soft drink promotions. By the time the film itself actually appears in theaters, the Disney mind control machine will have every kid in the audience clamoring to see it. The sole point of the Disney movie is to sell Disney merchandise. Every time you watch a Disney movie you're assaulted with ads for everything from the Disney Princess Fantasy Castle to the 101 Dalmatians computer game. When kids see the ads they're going to be pleading with their parents for all the merchandise they saw on the magical TV screen, and eventually the parents will be forced to comply. Meanwhile, Disney's profits mount higher and higher. And after the last precious drop of cash has been wrung from the movie come the sequels and spinoffs, which are just as good as you'd expect and available only on video.
Disney is about making money, not about providing entertainment. Next time you're watching a "DisneyDVD" and your kid is begging for all the crappy made-in-China merchandise Disney can fling at you in exchange for lots of your money, just think about what the Walt Disney Company really stands for. When you come to the obvious conclusion, I won't say I told you so.
Wednesday, February 02, 2005
Fire Drills
"Tomorrow at 2:15 pm (corrected for daylight savings time, of couse) we will be having a fire drill. Please make your way out through the doors at the northeast corner of the building calmly and quietly, and proceed to the football field. There you will be checked off of the master list, rechecked, cross-checked, and tabulated to make absolutely certain no one is missing. Please be patient while this is taking place."
Anyone who has ever experienced the idiocy of a fire drill will know where I'm coming from on this. Here are four reasons why the fire drill is a completely pointless exercise in time-wasting:
1) The average fire tends to strike suddenly and without warning, not at 2:15 pm and corrected for daylight savings time.
2) It's difficult to exit via the doors at the northeast corner of the building if the northeast corner of the building is on fire.
3) Who walks calmly and quietly away from a raging inferno?
4) By the time everyone arrives at the football field and gets checked, rechecked, cross-checked, and tabulated, anyone who's not there will long since have become a charred skeleton.
Clearly no aspect of this so-called "fire drill" corresponds in any way with the kind of conditions you would be likely to encounter in an actual fire situation. So what's the point of fire drills at all? If the fire alarm goes off, go outside. Even George W. Bush could figure that one out. There's nothing like a nice useless fire drill to interrupt the day, irreparably screw up whatever was going on at the time, and inconvenience the hell out of everyone involved. The time you spend on fire drills will never do you any good, and you're never getting that time back. And all the time spent on fire drills at public school is costing the government money that could definitely be put to better use.
Fire drills are useless, but no one seems to have figured that out yet. Think about it, guys.
Anyone who has ever experienced the idiocy of a fire drill will know where I'm coming from on this. Here are four reasons why the fire drill is a completely pointless exercise in time-wasting:
1) The average fire tends to strike suddenly and without warning, not at 2:15 pm and corrected for daylight savings time.
2) It's difficult to exit via the doors at the northeast corner of the building if the northeast corner of the building is on fire.
3) Who walks calmly and quietly away from a raging inferno?
4) By the time everyone arrives at the football field and gets checked, rechecked, cross-checked, and tabulated, anyone who's not there will long since have become a charred skeleton.
Clearly no aspect of this so-called "fire drill" corresponds in any way with the kind of conditions you would be likely to encounter in an actual fire situation. So what's the point of fire drills at all? If the fire alarm goes off, go outside. Even George W. Bush could figure that one out. There's nothing like a nice useless fire drill to interrupt the day, irreparably screw up whatever was going on at the time, and inconvenience the hell out of everyone involved. The time you spend on fire drills will never do you any good, and you're never getting that time back. And all the time spent on fire drills at public school is costing the government money that could definitely be put to better use.
Fire drills are useless, but no one seems to have figured that out yet. Think about it, guys.
Tuesday, February 01, 2005
Blogs
My Trip to the Grocery Store
When I got to the grocery store it was raining, so I had to run from my car to the store so I wouldn't get too wet. I got wet anyway.
I got a red shopping cart out of the shopping cart rack, but it was covered in something sticky so I put it back and got a yellow shopping cart which was not sticky but it was hard to push because the right front wheel was broken. Also one of the buckles was missing from the kiddie seat belt, but that was okay because I wasn't using it.
On aisle 19 I couldn't decide between the Chunky Beef Noodle Soup and the Beef with Noodles Soup, Chunky Style. I ended up getting two cans of each and also one can of SpaghettiOs with meatballs and a case of Top Ramen, oriental flavor.
On aisle 18...
Wow, wasn't that fascinating? No one in their right mind would waste time, energy, and precious internet resources to share that with the world, right?
Wrong. It's called a "blog," and for reasons wholly beyond my imagination it has become insanely popular as a timewasting tool for the masses that rivals even the mindlessness of television and fishing.
Bloggers: In all the far-flung reaches of the globe, there is no one at all, not even one single person that cares, has ever cared, or ever will care about the meaningless events of your pitiful, insignificant lives. Do you imagine even for a second that anyone is reading your blog? You're wasting your life pouring all the toxic sludge you can shovel with both hands into the vast stinking cesspool that is the internet, and no one on earth could possibly care less. No one cares about your trip to the grocery store, so either find a legitimate form of self-expression or just shut up.
To quote Homer J. Simpson, "Ooh, a dancing Jesus! If there's a better use for the internet, I haven't found it." Well Homer, neither have I, but one thing I do know is that nothing could possibly be a worse use than the pointless, mindless, meaningless, soul-sucking horror that is blogging.
So that is why the Fnorkin Daily Rant is not a blog.
If this rant offended you, good! That's the whole point. If you want to complain, you can reach me here.
I got a red shopping cart out of the shopping cart rack, but it was covered in something sticky so I put it back and got a yellow shopping cart which was not sticky but it was hard to push because the right front wheel was broken. Also one of the buckles was missing from the kiddie seat belt, but that was okay because I wasn't using it.
On aisle 19 I couldn't decide between the Chunky Beef Noodle Soup and the Beef with Noodles Soup, Chunky Style. I ended up getting two cans of each and also one can of SpaghettiOs with meatballs and a case of Top Ramen, oriental flavor.
On aisle 18...
Wow, wasn't that fascinating? No one in their right mind would waste time, energy, and precious internet resources to share that with the world, right?
Wrong. It's called a "blog," and for reasons wholly beyond my imagination it has become insanely popular as a timewasting tool for the masses that rivals even the mindlessness of television and fishing.
Bloggers: In all the far-flung reaches of the globe, there is no one at all, not even one single person that cares, has ever cared, or ever will care about the meaningless events of your pitiful, insignificant lives. Do you imagine even for a second that anyone is reading your blog? You're wasting your life pouring all the toxic sludge you can shovel with both hands into the vast stinking cesspool that is the internet, and no one on earth could possibly care less. No one cares about your trip to the grocery store, so either find a legitimate form of self-expression or just shut up.
To quote Homer J. Simpson, "Ooh, a dancing Jesus! If there's a better use for the internet, I haven't found it." Well Homer, neither have I, but one thing I do know is that nothing could possibly be a worse use than the pointless, mindless, meaningless, soul-sucking horror that is blogging.
So that is why the Fnorkin Daily Rant is not a blog.
If this rant offended you, good! That's the whole point. If you want to complain, you can reach me here.
