Monday, February 07, 2005
College Board
Who owns your soul? If you're over 18, the answer is probably Satan. If you're under 18, Satan is probably eyeing you, but he won't be able to wrest control of your soul away from its true owner. If you think the true owner is you, you are not only conceited but also a dumbass. Who owns your soul? The College Board does.
If you would prefer not to spend the rest of your life in a cardboard box, the College Board has you in their pocket. They'll make fantastic profits by subjecting you to all kinds of torture (you pick up the tab), and by selling you ways to prepare for that torture. What do you get out of all this? You get a numerical representation of your worth as a human being, totally meaningless yet all-important.
Everyone knows that college admissions is a racket, but no one joins in the racketeering as wholeheartedly as the College Board. If you, like thousands of other high school juniors, are signing up for the SAT tonight, you know what I'm talking about. You can't just "sign up" without filling out pages of personal information that they can sell to colleges, in case they're not making enough money from the SAT alone. But even if they're not, there's still the PSAT and all those fun AP exams you've had to take and will continue to take, and all of them put more money in the College Board's pocket.
You can't live without the College Board (outside of cardboard boxes), and if you're intelligent at all you can't live with them either. How evil do you have to be to be as all-powerful as the College Board? Pretty evil. Have fun registering for the SAT.
If you would prefer not to spend the rest of your life in a cardboard box, the College Board has you in their pocket. They'll make fantastic profits by subjecting you to all kinds of torture (you pick up the tab), and by selling you ways to prepare for that torture. What do you get out of all this? You get a numerical representation of your worth as a human being, totally meaningless yet all-important.
Everyone knows that college admissions is a racket, but no one joins in the racketeering as wholeheartedly as the College Board. If you, like thousands of other high school juniors, are signing up for the SAT tonight, you know what I'm talking about. You can't just "sign up" without filling out pages of personal information that they can sell to colleges, in case they're not making enough money from the SAT alone. But even if they're not, there's still the PSAT and all those fun AP exams you've had to take and will continue to take, and all of them put more money in the College Board's pocket.
You can't live without the College Board (outside of cardboard boxes), and if you're intelligent at all you can't live with them either. How evil do you have to be to be as all-powerful as the College Board? Pretty evil. Have fun registering for the SAT.
# posted by Ben @ 8:08 PM 
