Sunday, February 06, 2005
Super Bowl
It's that time again. Time for millions of Americans, young and old, to flock to the 7-11 and stock up on cheese curls and onion dip by the metric ton in a time-honored tradition as retarded as non-alcoholic beer. Time for the select few, the highest percentile of epsilon-minus semi-morons, to seize their warpaint and enormous foam fingers in preparation for the unique opportunity to make fools of themselves, not only in public but on live national television. Time for millions who don't give a shit about sports to spend their afternoon glued to the boob tube. It's the highest holy day of America's official religion. Once again it's time for the Super Bowl.
If you're currently wearing green, silver, red, or blue paint on your face, just stop and think for a moment how idiotic you look. Of course, you're probably drunk off your ass and don't give a shit about how stupid you look on TV, and probably you're too stupid to care even when you're sober. But you look like a complete and total moron when the rest of us see you displayed in all your magnificence, five times actual size, in our living rooms. We're all drunk too, but we'll still laugh at you.
If you're one of those pathetic losers with no sex life who watches the Super Bowl just for the damn ads, then you're even more of an idiot than the freaks with painted faces screaming at the camera. You can't tell a quarterback from a running back but tomorrow you'll be eagerly comparing your favorite ads with your equally stupid cubicle-mates. You don't even know what teams are playing but you'll never forget the Mountain Dew commercial that airs just before the halftime show, which you're only watching in hopes of seeing more breasts. What kind of stupid scum voluntarily submits themselves to the whims of advertisers? You do.
If you couldn't care less about football but you're watching the game because everyone else does, you're just a dumbass lemming incapable of independent thought or existence.
If you're a rabid football fan, sitting at home and heckling the players on the TV screen, at least you're not a poser like the lemming mentioned above. But other than that, I have nothing good to say about you. Stupidity doesn't come any less intelligent than you.
Because when it comes right down to it, the Big Game is just a Big Waste of Time. Super Bowl teams are never evenly matched, so it's probably the least exciting game of the season. Some of you are just watching it for the ads. If everyone currently watching the Super Bowl went outside to make a difference instead, maybe America wouldn't be such a football-loving shithole. Just think about it.
If you're currently wearing green, silver, red, or blue paint on your face, just stop and think for a moment how idiotic you look. Of course, you're probably drunk off your ass and don't give a shit about how stupid you look on TV, and probably you're too stupid to care even when you're sober. But you look like a complete and total moron when the rest of us see you displayed in all your magnificence, five times actual size, in our living rooms. We're all drunk too, but we'll still laugh at you.
If you're one of those pathetic losers with no sex life who watches the Super Bowl just for the damn ads, then you're even more of an idiot than the freaks with painted faces screaming at the camera. You can't tell a quarterback from a running back but tomorrow you'll be eagerly comparing your favorite ads with your equally stupid cubicle-mates. You don't even know what teams are playing but you'll never forget the Mountain Dew commercial that airs just before the halftime show, which you're only watching in hopes of seeing more breasts. What kind of stupid scum voluntarily submits themselves to the whims of advertisers? You do.
If you couldn't care less about football but you're watching the game because everyone else does, you're just a dumbass lemming incapable of independent thought or existence.
If you're a rabid football fan, sitting at home and heckling the players on the TV screen, at least you're not a poser like the lemming mentioned above. But other than that, I have nothing good to say about you. Stupidity doesn't come any less intelligent than you.
Because when it comes right down to it, the Big Game is just a Big Waste of Time. Super Bowl teams are never evenly matched, so it's probably the least exciting game of the season. Some of you are just watching it for the ads. If everyone currently watching the Super Bowl went outside to make a difference instead, maybe America wouldn't be such a football-loving shithole. Just think about it.
# posted by Ben @ 4:02 PM 
