Sunday, March 27, 2005
The Philadelphia Story
Last night I watched a terrible movie called The Philadelphia Story (1940), which I suppose some people would call a classic. Here's what I learned from it.
1. It's OK to hit your wife. (In the opening scene, Cary Grant is seen flooring Katharine Hepburn with a blow to the face after she breaks his golf club.)
2. Class boundaries must be upheld at all costs. (Hepburn's character is planning to marry George Kittredge, played by John Howard, who is clearly "beneath" her, according to ex-spouse C. K. Dexter Haven (Grant). Luckily, Hepburn repents in the nick of time and remarries the aristocratic Grant, despite his alcoholism and violent tendencies. We can all heave a sigh of relief that the sanctity of the upper class has been upheld once more.)
3. A man can't be blamed for having an affair. It's his daughter's fault. (After Hepburn confronts her father (John Halliday) about his affair with a dancer, he pins the blame on her for not loving him enough. No one seems to object to this, including Hepburn herself. She later apologizes.)
4. The best solution to thorny problems is to drown them in liquor. (The film's main conflict is resolved only after everyone involved is safely under the influence and staggering around comically.)
5. Marrying a confirmed drunkard who hits women is a good idea. (Hepburn agrees to remarry her ex-husband, apparently because she's now a boozer herself and will be better equipped to put up with Grant's drinking.)
6. Your wedding day is a good time to be severely hung over. (After an all-night binge which she can barely remember, Hepburn is looking lively as the hour of her wedding draws near.)
7. The night before your wedding is the best time for affairs with other men. (A tipsy Hepburn has fun with Jimmy Stewart in the pool the night before she is supposed to marry Howard.)
8. Driving drunk is perfectly fine. (After the supply of champagne dries up, Hepburn, who can barely stand, gets the job of transporting herself and Stewart back home, where greater reserves of alcohol are waiting for them.)
9. No one likes you unless you're an alcoholic. (Hepburn's character is accused of being chaste, aloof, and cold, as well as being unable to tolerate other people's excessive drinking. She manages to correct all of these faults after a few glasses of the bubbly.)
So basically, the whole point of this movie is to show how much better life is when you're hammered. It's like one long beer commercial without the gratuitous sexual innuendo that is the hallmark of that noble genre, and with champagne instead of beer. And this is the kind of shit that people call a classic film?
1. It's OK to hit your wife. (In the opening scene, Cary Grant is seen flooring Katharine Hepburn with a blow to the face after she breaks his golf club.)
2. Class boundaries must be upheld at all costs. (Hepburn's character is planning to marry George Kittredge, played by John Howard, who is clearly "beneath" her, according to ex-spouse C. K. Dexter Haven (Grant). Luckily, Hepburn repents in the nick of time and remarries the aristocratic Grant, despite his alcoholism and violent tendencies. We can all heave a sigh of relief that the sanctity of the upper class has been upheld once more.)
3. A man can't be blamed for having an affair. It's his daughter's fault. (After Hepburn confronts her father (John Halliday) about his affair with a dancer, he pins the blame on her for not loving him enough. No one seems to object to this, including Hepburn herself. She later apologizes.)
4. The best solution to thorny problems is to drown them in liquor. (The film's main conflict is resolved only after everyone involved is safely under the influence and staggering around comically.)
5. Marrying a confirmed drunkard who hits women is a good idea. (Hepburn agrees to remarry her ex-husband, apparently because she's now a boozer herself and will be better equipped to put up with Grant's drinking.)
6. Your wedding day is a good time to be severely hung over. (After an all-night binge which she can barely remember, Hepburn is looking lively as the hour of her wedding draws near.)
7. The night before your wedding is the best time for affairs with other men. (A tipsy Hepburn has fun with Jimmy Stewart in the pool the night before she is supposed to marry Howard.)
8. Driving drunk is perfectly fine. (After the supply of champagne dries up, Hepburn, who can barely stand, gets the job of transporting herself and Stewart back home, where greater reserves of alcohol are waiting for them.)
9. No one likes you unless you're an alcoholic. (Hepburn's character is accused of being chaste, aloof, and cold, as well as being unable to tolerate other people's excessive drinking. She manages to correct all of these faults after a few glasses of the bubbly.)
So basically, the whole point of this movie is to show how much better life is when you're hammered. It's like one long beer commercial without the gratuitous sexual innuendo that is the hallmark of that noble genre, and with champagne instead of beer. And this is the kind of shit that people call a classic film?
# posted by Ben @ 8:05 PM 
