Saturday, April 30, 2005
The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
The movie that everyone in the known galaxy has been waiting 26 years for is finally here, and in order to inform my loyal readers and also to satisfy my own curiosity, I went to see it on opening day. The result? This film was the epitomy of suck.
Now don't get me wrong. I went into this movie with an open mind. Probably unlike many of you fellow Hitchhikers, I wasn't expecting the book to be followed exactly, or every single piece of dialogue to be included. If they want to make Ford Prefect black, I said to myself, what the hell, as long as he can act. So you won't find me saying, "Uh, weren't Marvin's eyes red in the book?" What I was hoping for was something entertaining rather than painful, and it was here that I was disappointed. So, with no further ado, I present...
42 reasons why you should never see this movie
1. Ridiculous "So long and thanks for all the fish" musical number, which we are forced to listen to not once but twice.
2. Complete and total absence of the word "yellow."
3. Garth Jennings' unwholesome obsession with spherical objects (witness the Heart of Gold, Marvin's head, the escape pod, the thermonuclear missiles, etc...)
4. Vogons wearing powdered wigs.
5. General proliferation of unforgiveably ugly eyewear.
6. Marvin's small size and inexplicably large and spherical head.
7. Humma Kavula (who will seem eerily familiar to anyone who has ever seen Roald Hoffman's World of Chemistry.)
8. A Guide resembling something Apple might have come up with on a really, really bad day. For that matter, everything in this movie looks like that.
9. Thinking cap powered by lemons.
10. Martin Freeman's miserable acting.
11. Mos Def's miserable acting.
12. Sam Rockwell's miserable acting.
13. Garth Jennings' miserable directing. (George Lucas could have done a better job!)
14. Marvin's inexplicable return from the dead just when we thought something had finally gone right.
15. Absurd portrayal of Deep Thought as some sort of stone idol.
16. Trippy (but ultimately idiotic and pointless) stop-motion yarn scene. (If you've seen the movie you know what I'm talking about, otherwise you're better off not knowing.)
17. Egg-shaped Vogons bearing an uncanny resemblance to that thing Anakin rides on in the meadow scene of Episode II.
18. Idiotic weapons, from retarded chest-mounted blasters to the totally bogus "point of view" gun.
19. Incredibly long scene depicting an incredibly annoying crab.
20. Lengthy scene involving unexplained whacking things.
21. Zooey Deschanel, who is more attractive than Carrie-Anne Moss and better at acting than Keanu Reeves. But only very slightly.
22. Zooey Deschanel's abysmal acting, which she could have improved by taking lessons from a piece of cardboard.
23. Zooey Deschanel's face.
24. Zooey Deschanel's voice.
25. Zooey Deschanel's hair.
26. Every other part of Zooey Deschanel.
27. Zooey Deschanel's clothing (and lack thereof).
28. Inexcusable shower scene involving Zooey Deschanel.
29. Unaccountable removal of a perfectly good fake beard from Zooey Deschanel's face, forcing us to actually look at it.
30. Total lack of Zooey Deschanel's grisly death or even significant bodily injury (although the torture scene looked promising).
31. Vogons intended to be comical rather than menacing.
32. Idiotic love affair between Arthur and Trillian.
33. Casting so horrendous as to make a brave man weep.
34. Badly animated mice which are also, unexplainably, small children in stupid costumes.
35. Graphic depictions of oceans being filled with fire hoses.
36. Marvin, who is supposed to be funny but fails miserably (no pun intended).
37. You will be putting money in Disney's pocket.
38. You are almost certain to become physically ill after hearing Zooey Deschanel speak.
39. Being poked with a sharp stick for 110 minutes would be a better use of your $9.00.
40. The certainty that Douglas Adams is not merely rolling in his grave but actually spinning.
41. The inevitability of HHGG 2: The Restaurant at the End of the Universe.
42. Everything else I haven't already thought of.
Now don't get me wrong. I went into this movie with an open mind. Probably unlike many of you fellow Hitchhikers, I wasn't expecting the book to be followed exactly, or every single piece of dialogue to be included. If they want to make Ford Prefect black, I said to myself, what the hell, as long as he can act. So you won't find me saying, "Uh, weren't Marvin's eyes red in the book?" What I was hoping for was something entertaining rather than painful, and it was here that I was disappointed. So, with no further ado, I present...
42 reasons why you should never see this movie
1. Ridiculous "So long and thanks for all the fish" musical number, which we are forced to listen to not once but twice.
2. Complete and total absence of the word "yellow."
3. Garth Jennings' unwholesome obsession with spherical objects (witness the Heart of Gold, Marvin's head, the escape pod, the thermonuclear missiles, etc...)
4. Vogons wearing powdered wigs.
5. General proliferation of unforgiveably ugly eyewear.
6. Marvin's small size and inexplicably large and spherical head.
7. Humma Kavula (who will seem eerily familiar to anyone who has ever seen Roald Hoffman's World of Chemistry.)
8. A Guide resembling something Apple might have come up with on a really, really bad day. For that matter, everything in this movie looks like that.
9. Thinking cap powered by lemons.
10. Martin Freeman's miserable acting.
11. Mos Def's miserable acting.
12. Sam Rockwell's miserable acting.
13. Garth Jennings' miserable directing. (George Lucas could have done a better job!)
14. Marvin's inexplicable return from the dead just when we thought something had finally gone right.
15. Absurd portrayal of Deep Thought as some sort of stone idol.
16. Trippy (but ultimately idiotic and pointless) stop-motion yarn scene. (If you've seen the movie you know what I'm talking about, otherwise you're better off not knowing.)
17. Egg-shaped Vogons bearing an uncanny resemblance to that thing Anakin rides on in the meadow scene of Episode II.
18. Idiotic weapons, from retarded chest-mounted blasters to the totally bogus "point of view" gun.
19. Incredibly long scene depicting an incredibly annoying crab.
20. Lengthy scene involving unexplained whacking things.
21. Zooey Deschanel, who is more attractive than Carrie-Anne Moss and better at acting than Keanu Reeves. But only very slightly.
22. Zooey Deschanel's abysmal acting, which she could have improved by taking lessons from a piece of cardboard.
23. Zooey Deschanel's face.
24. Zooey Deschanel's voice.
25. Zooey Deschanel's hair.
26. Every other part of Zooey Deschanel.
27. Zooey Deschanel's clothing (and lack thereof).
28. Inexcusable shower scene involving Zooey Deschanel.
29. Unaccountable removal of a perfectly good fake beard from Zooey Deschanel's face, forcing us to actually look at it.
30. Total lack of Zooey Deschanel's grisly death or even significant bodily injury (although the torture scene looked promising).
31. Vogons intended to be comical rather than menacing.
32. Idiotic love affair between Arthur and Trillian.
33. Casting so horrendous as to make a brave man weep.
34. Badly animated mice which are also, unexplainably, small children in stupid costumes.
35. Graphic depictions of oceans being filled with fire hoses.
36. Marvin, who is supposed to be funny but fails miserably (no pun intended).
37. You will be putting money in Disney's pocket.
38. You are almost certain to become physically ill after hearing Zooey Deschanel speak.
39. Being poked with a sharp stick for 110 minutes would be a better use of your $9.00.
40. The certainty that Douglas Adams is not merely rolling in his grave but actually spinning.
41. The inevitability of HHGG 2: The Restaurant at the End of the Universe.
42. Everything else I haven't already thought of.
Tuesday, April 26, 2005
Cryogenics
Imagine dropping a penny down the drain every twenty seconds for the rest of time, and you have a pretty good analogy for the colossal waste of money and resources they call cryogenic freezing. If there's a worse use of money out there that doesn't involve killing people, I can't think of it. Even burning the money could provide heat for some homeless people in the winter.
The only justification you could possibly offer for this incredible waste of good money is that maybe, just possibly, some day in the remote future, someone might find a way of reviving you. If someday we find a way to bring frozen people back from the dead and if someone has bothered to keep you frozen all that time. The odds against waking up and finding yourself in the 23rd century are astronomical, so how can you justify the $50-100 per day it'll take just to keep you frozen all that time?
Not only is cryogenic freezing pointless, it's irresponsible and makes you look like a dumbass. If you used that $50 per day for, say, charitable donations, you might accomplish something worthwhile. Hell, even if you used the money to buy yourself a yacht, at least you've got something to show for it besides your own frozen corpse. Basically what putting yourself in the deep freezer tells the world is, "I'm so fucking rich, I can blow fifty fucking dollars every fucking day to have myself fucking frozen! Fuck all you poor people! Fuck all you hungry people! Fuck all you homeless people! In your face!" Is that really the message you want to send?
Instead of providing for your family after you kick the bucket, you're using all your (presumably) hard-earned cash to run a fucking freezer? Exuse me, I just need to stumble around in confusion for a minute while I try to work out how anyone could possibly be that fucking stupid.
Another thing that sucks is that the people who can afford to be frozen are the least deserving of a second chance at life. So if on the off chance science someday progresses to the point where we can revive dead tissue, what do we get? Donald Trump v2.0? Can you legitimately call technology that enables us to bring dead millionaires back from the dead 'progress?'
So here's what I say. Let these millionaire assholes freeze themselves, irresponsibly wasting money by the sackful while their families starve. Let them cling to their irrational hope as long as the power grid remains intact and their funds hold out. Let them while away the eons with the impossible hope of one day returning to life etched in their frozen brains. I know I for one won't work too hard trying to figure out how to bring them back.
The only justification you could possibly offer for this incredible waste of good money is that maybe, just possibly, some day in the remote future, someone might find a way of reviving you. If someday we find a way to bring frozen people back from the dead and if someone has bothered to keep you frozen all that time. The odds against waking up and finding yourself in the 23rd century are astronomical, so how can you justify the $50-100 per day it'll take just to keep you frozen all that time?
Not only is cryogenic freezing pointless, it's irresponsible and makes you look like a dumbass. If you used that $50 per day for, say, charitable donations, you might accomplish something worthwhile. Hell, even if you used the money to buy yourself a yacht, at least you've got something to show for it besides your own frozen corpse. Basically what putting yourself in the deep freezer tells the world is, "I'm so fucking rich, I can blow fifty fucking dollars every fucking day to have myself fucking frozen! Fuck all you poor people! Fuck all you hungry people! Fuck all you homeless people! In your face!" Is that really the message you want to send?
Instead of providing for your family after you kick the bucket, you're using all your (presumably) hard-earned cash to run a fucking freezer? Exuse me, I just need to stumble around in confusion for a minute while I try to work out how anyone could possibly be that fucking stupid.
Another thing that sucks is that the people who can afford to be frozen are the least deserving of a second chance at life. So if on the off chance science someday progresses to the point where we can revive dead tissue, what do we get? Donald Trump v2.0? Can you legitimately call technology that enables us to bring dead millionaires back from the dead 'progress?'
So here's what I say. Let these millionaire assholes freeze themselves, irresponsibly wasting money by the sackful while their families starve. Let them cling to their irrational hope as long as the power grid remains intact and their funds hold out. Let them while away the eons with the impossible hope of one day returning to life etched in their frozen brains. I know I for one won't work too hard trying to figure out how to bring them back.
Tuesday, April 19, 2005
Roller Backpacks
You know who you are. You cloggers of hallways and obstructors of stairwells and emergency exits, you confounders of fire marshals and injurers of the innocent, you assholes so lazy that you don't care that you're making life more difficult for everyone else. You roller-backpackers. You are the bane of every decent, hardworking student's existence. What the hell is wrong with you?
If you're one of the few people that actually has a legitimate excuse for loading your worldly possessions into one of these pedestrian-sideswiping monstrosities and taking it for a jog down C corridor, you can stop reading now and spare yourself a lot of needless insults. I'm sorry that circumstances have forced you to associate with the worthless brethren that circumstances have forced you to associate with. The rest of you morons pay attention, though.
The common, garden-variety backpack is a centuries-old, tried-and-true method of transporting solid objects from point A to point B while leaving the hands free to fend off muggers and Dairy Queen employees and preventing dangerous hallway blockage. Hundreds of years after this triumphant innovation took place, however, a hopeless failure of a human being said to himself, if I take this time-tested invention and add a long handle and two wheels, I'll be able to haul comic books in and out of my mother's basement without breaking a sweat or even, for that matter, bending over. And so the roller backpack was born.
Little has changed since those days. You high rollers of the schoolbook transportation world seem to inhabit a world where sloth and comic books reign supreme, where courtesy takes a back seat to knocking over pedestrians, and efficiency is subjugated in the name of clogging doorways and other apertures. While it may or may not be true that a rolling stone gathers no moss, it's definitely true that a rolling backpack leaves no hallway unblocked and no shin uninjured.
Is it really that fucking hard to actually carry your books from place to place rather than dragging them? Especially when the rolling backpack means you have difficulty opening every door and ascending every staircase without injuring innocent passersby and/or yourself? How the hell can contending with this mess be easier than strapping on a good old-fashioned backpack and going wherever the traveling spirit takes you? School isn't an airport; there's no way you have to haul around enough stuff to necessitate rolling luggage. So roll back the roller backpack, and the satisfaction of ending dependence on a useless and irritating device is yours.
If you're one of the few people that actually has a legitimate excuse for loading your worldly possessions into one of these pedestrian-sideswiping monstrosities and taking it for a jog down C corridor, you can stop reading now and spare yourself a lot of needless insults. I'm sorry that circumstances have forced you to associate with the worthless brethren that circumstances have forced you to associate with. The rest of you morons pay attention, though.
The common, garden-variety backpack is a centuries-old, tried-and-true method of transporting solid objects from point A to point B while leaving the hands free to fend off muggers and Dairy Queen employees and preventing dangerous hallway blockage. Hundreds of years after this triumphant innovation took place, however, a hopeless failure of a human being said to himself, if I take this time-tested invention and add a long handle and two wheels, I'll be able to haul comic books in and out of my mother's basement without breaking a sweat or even, for that matter, bending over. And so the roller backpack was born.
Little has changed since those days. You high rollers of the schoolbook transportation world seem to inhabit a world where sloth and comic books reign supreme, where courtesy takes a back seat to knocking over pedestrians, and efficiency is subjugated in the name of clogging doorways and other apertures. While it may or may not be true that a rolling stone gathers no moss, it's definitely true that a rolling backpack leaves no hallway unblocked and no shin uninjured.
Is it really that fucking hard to actually carry your books from place to place rather than dragging them? Especially when the rolling backpack means you have difficulty opening every door and ascending every staircase without injuring innocent passersby and/or yourself? How the hell can contending with this mess be easier than strapping on a good old-fashioned backpack and going wherever the traveling spirit takes you? School isn't an airport; there's no way you have to haul around enough stuff to necessitate rolling luggage. So roll back the roller backpack, and the satisfaction of ending dependence on a useless and irritating device is yours.
Monday, April 18, 2005
AYSO
It's the age-old Saturday ritual. Time to load up the SUV with screaming children and ziploc bags filled with orange halves and sally forth to the local city park in a blaze of American glory and Rice Krispie Treats. There to experience firsthand the age-old American virtues of friendly competition, teamwork, good sportsmanship, and screaming your ass off at other people's children. Yay for soccer.
AYSO is not a friendly competition between children. It's an angry shouting match between stupid parents. Children don't learn sportsmanship, just that if they can't score a goal, they're worthless. Parents don't give a heap of rancid chickenshit whether their kids actually enjoy soccer games. That is, as long as their team is winning. If they lose, by God, they'd better not be having any fun. Damn kids.
What's wrong with you assholes that you can't let a bunch of fucking seven-year-olds get out on the field and have a good time? Is it that satisfying to scream with joy and jump up and down as the parents of the opposing team hang their heads in defeat? The players themselves rarely give a shit who won, as long as they had a good time and they get a snack at the end. But you'll be out there doing your best to keep that from happening.
You claim that your only purpose in signing Junior up for soccer is to teach abovementioned progeny the importance of physical fitness and good sportsmanship. Meanwhile, at 350 pounds and 120 decibels, you're flatly contradicting both of these fundamental tenets of the American Youth Soccer Organization. You may think you're exposing your children to the virtues of friendly competition, but if you do you're a dumbass. Your sideline antics tell a different story.
If you're that fucking competitive, why don't you get out on the damn field yourself? Because you're fat and lazy, and you're part of the same dumbfuck mentality that affixes "My child is an honor student at ___" bumper stickers to your SUV. Maybe your kid is an honor student, but it probably took you several minutes to figure out which side of the bumper sticker goes up. You're trying to live through your children instead of actually living (God forbid). What the hell do you think gives you the right to berate your (and other people's) children with your ass comfortably affixed to your cupholder-laden folding armchair? Shut the cakehole, dumbshit.
The problem with the AYSO is that they let this kind of crap go on. Last time I checked there was such a thing as the green card, but what the hell is it for if they never use it? If there's no threat of being thrown out, you parents think you can do whatever the hell you want. And you know what? You're right. That's the problem with the AYSO. Plus those stupid PLAYSOCCER bumper stickers make me angry.
AYSO is not a friendly competition between children. It's an angry shouting match between stupid parents. Children don't learn sportsmanship, just that if they can't score a goal, they're worthless. Parents don't give a heap of rancid chickenshit whether their kids actually enjoy soccer games. That is, as long as their team is winning. If they lose, by God, they'd better not be having any fun. Damn kids.
What's wrong with you assholes that you can't let a bunch of fucking seven-year-olds get out on the field and have a good time? Is it that satisfying to scream with joy and jump up and down as the parents of the opposing team hang their heads in defeat? The players themselves rarely give a shit who won, as long as they had a good time and they get a snack at the end. But you'll be out there doing your best to keep that from happening.
You claim that your only purpose in signing Junior up for soccer is to teach abovementioned progeny the importance of physical fitness and good sportsmanship. Meanwhile, at 350 pounds and 120 decibels, you're flatly contradicting both of these fundamental tenets of the American Youth Soccer Organization. You may think you're exposing your children to the virtues of friendly competition, but if you do you're a dumbass. Your sideline antics tell a different story.
If you're that fucking competitive, why don't you get out on the damn field yourself? Because you're fat and lazy, and you're part of the same dumbfuck mentality that affixes "My child is an honor student at ___" bumper stickers to your SUV. Maybe your kid is an honor student, but it probably took you several minutes to figure out which side of the bumper sticker goes up. You're trying to live through your children instead of actually living (God forbid). What the hell do you think gives you the right to berate your (and other people's) children with your ass comfortably affixed to your cupholder-laden folding armchair? Shut the cakehole, dumbshit.
The problem with the AYSO is that they let this kind of crap go on. Last time I checked there was such a thing as the green card, but what the hell is it for if they never use it? If there's no threat of being thrown out, you parents think you can do whatever the hell you want. And you know what? You're right. That's the problem with the AYSO. Plus those stupid PLAYSOCCER bumper stickers make me angry.
Tuesday, April 05, 2005
Capital Punishment
The death penalty is a crude and outdated form of punishment that has long outlived its usefulness. It seems better suited to medieval Europe than to the "civilized" world we inhabit today. My reason for saying this is not that capital punishment is cruel or immoral, just that it is ineffective and archaic.
The existence of capital punishment does not prevent violent crime. If it did, we would never have to execute anyone. The death penalty doesn't deter any of the handfuls of criminals that commit capital offenses every year. The reason for this is that the death penalty is the easy way out. A murderer given the death sentence doesn't have to take responsibility for his actions or deal with his conscience. One injection and he never has to take responsibility for anything. Ever.
We don't accomplish anything by killing the killer. He never really has to deal with his bad deeds. But if he were to get life in prison, he will have to deal with difficult emotions and a troubled conscience that make life extremely unpleasant. And even if his conscience isn't troubled, prison will still make his life pretty damn sucky. A life sentence, strange as this may sound, is much harsher than a death sentence. Many convicts welcome death rather than a life spent behind bars. We shouldn't give them this easy escape from their actions.
The most troubling aspect of the death penalty is the potential for error. It's not unheard of for convicts to be cleared of all charges after years spent in prison. The possibility that an innocent person could be executed is frightening. If evidence turns up indicating that a convict serving a life sentence is innocent, he can be released from prison with no real harm done, but if he has already been executed, it's far too late, and posthumous apologies won't accomplish anything meaningful.
Most of the free world seems to agree with this perspective. Here are some of the many countries that have abolished or no longer practice the death penalty: Australia, Canada, France, Germany, Italy, Russia, South Africa, Spain, Sweden, and the United Kingdom. And here are a few besides the United States where capital punishment is still in existence: Cuba, Iran, North Korea, Saudi Arabia, Somalia, Sudan, Syria, and Vietnam. Which group would you rather be included in?
Now to finish up with some statistics. It seems that capital punishment is a favorite sport of drunken rednecks as well as totalitarian regimes, since of the 85 executions carried out in 2000, 83 took place in red states south of the Mason-Dixon Line. Texas alone accounted for 40 of the 85 executions. It's also interesting to note that while 41% of those executed in 2000 were African American, African Americans make up only 12% of the US population according to the 2000 census. The uneven distribution of capital punishment as well as the ridiculously unfair race discrepancy is yet another reason why the sadly outmoded death penalty should be left behind.
The existence of capital punishment does not prevent violent crime. If it did, we would never have to execute anyone. The death penalty doesn't deter any of the handfuls of criminals that commit capital offenses every year. The reason for this is that the death penalty is the easy way out. A murderer given the death sentence doesn't have to take responsibility for his actions or deal with his conscience. One injection and he never has to take responsibility for anything. Ever.
We don't accomplish anything by killing the killer. He never really has to deal with his bad deeds. But if he were to get life in prison, he will have to deal with difficult emotions and a troubled conscience that make life extremely unpleasant. And even if his conscience isn't troubled, prison will still make his life pretty damn sucky. A life sentence, strange as this may sound, is much harsher than a death sentence. Many convicts welcome death rather than a life spent behind bars. We shouldn't give them this easy escape from their actions.
The most troubling aspect of the death penalty is the potential for error. It's not unheard of for convicts to be cleared of all charges after years spent in prison. The possibility that an innocent person could be executed is frightening. If evidence turns up indicating that a convict serving a life sentence is innocent, he can be released from prison with no real harm done, but if he has already been executed, it's far too late, and posthumous apologies won't accomplish anything meaningful.
Most of the free world seems to agree with this perspective. Here are some of the many countries that have abolished or no longer practice the death penalty: Australia, Canada, France, Germany, Italy, Russia, South Africa, Spain, Sweden, and the United Kingdom. And here are a few besides the United States where capital punishment is still in existence: Cuba, Iran, North Korea, Saudi Arabia, Somalia, Sudan, Syria, and Vietnam. Which group would you rather be included in?
Now to finish up with some statistics. It seems that capital punishment is a favorite sport of drunken rednecks as well as totalitarian regimes, since of the 85 executions carried out in 2000, 83 took place in red states south of the Mason-Dixon Line. Texas alone accounted for 40 of the 85 executions. It's also interesting to note that while 41% of those executed in 2000 were African American, African Americans make up only 12% of the US population according to the 2000 census. The uneven distribution of capital punishment as well as the ridiculously unfair race discrepancy is yet another reason why the sadly outmoded death penalty should be left behind.
Friday, April 01, 2005
America
I love our country. It's nice to live in a place ruled by ultraconservative patriots just like me. I love our beautiful star-spangled banner (I especially like pledging allegiance to it and singing songs about it), and I think burning it should be illegal. I love the Government because it keeps me safe and stops me from gaining too much power, and I love the President because he is a good man with real family values. I think Democracy should be forced on all the nations on earth whether they want it or not, and it is our job to do this.
I like living in a country where the politicians most lacking in talent rise to the top and racial profiling is carried out with such cheery good humor. The only thing I like more than the neverending pressure to conform is the pleasure I get from conformity itself. I really love the way our dependence on fossil fuels entangles us in the conflicts of the Middle East, and also I like the way the petroleum companies fight to block the development of alternative energy and transportation, which are definitely un-American.
It makes me feel safe to know that the Government is watching me, so I don't have to worry about all the terrorists who want to hurt me. I like 1984 because it tells about how dangerous communism is. I like how suspected terrorists are held without trial, so I don't have to worry about the terrible things they might do to my family. I like to do what I'm told because the Government knows better than I do. Ronald Reagan is the greatest man who ever lived, and I cried when I found out he had died.
I like all the shopping malls we have here, and the rows and rows of shiny SUVs in the parking lots. I like people to see me at the mall so they will know that I am conforming to social expectations just like them. I like the way there are so many products to buy, and the way the advertisers tell me what to buy, and the happy fact that no matter what I buy, I'm helping our country's economy.
I like the way I never have to see or hear about homelessness and poverty, because no one cares about those things. I like the way professional athletes have astronomical salaries while teachers get almost nothing. I like all the opportunities I have to show off my wealth, like gold watches and titanium golf clubs. I like the way they make the children in public school say the Pledge of Allegiance every day, which teaches them to be loyal to their country and to the Christian God, even if they're not Christian. I love America because it is the greatest country ever, and there is nothing you could do to make it better.
April fools.
I like living in a country where the politicians most lacking in talent rise to the top and racial profiling is carried out with such cheery good humor. The only thing I like more than the neverending pressure to conform is the pleasure I get from conformity itself. I really love the way our dependence on fossil fuels entangles us in the conflicts of the Middle East, and also I like the way the petroleum companies fight to block the development of alternative energy and transportation, which are definitely un-American.
It makes me feel safe to know that the Government is watching me, so I don't have to worry about all the terrorists who want to hurt me. I like 1984 because it tells about how dangerous communism is. I like how suspected terrorists are held without trial, so I don't have to worry about the terrible things they might do to my family. I like to do what I'm told because the Government knows better than I do. Ronald Reagan is the greatest man who ever lived, and I cried when I found out he had died.
I like all the shopping malls we have here, and the rows and rows of shiny SUVs in the parking lots. I like people to see me at the mall so they will know that I am conforming to social expectations just like them. I like the way there are so many products to buy, and the way the advertisers tell me what to buy, and the happy fact that no matter what I buy, I'm helping our country's economy.
I like the way I never have to see or hear about homelessness and poverty, because no one cares about those things. I like the way professional athletes have astronomical salaries while teachers get almost nothing. I like all the opportunities I have to show off my wealth, like gold watches and titanium golf clubs. I like the way they make the children in public school say the Pledge of Allegiance every day, which teaches them to be loyal to their country and to the Christian God, even if they're not Christian. I love America because it is the greatest country ever, and there is nothing you could do to make it better.
April fools.
