Friday, April 01, 2005
America
I love our country. It's nice to live in a place ruled by ultraconservative patriots just like me. I love our beautiful star-spangled banner (I especially like pledging allegiance to it and singing songs about it), and I think burning it should be illegal. I love the Government because it keeps me safe and stops me from gaining too much power, and I love the President because he is a good man with real family values. I think Democracy should be forced on all the nations on earth whether they want it or not, and it is our job to do this.
I like living in a country where the politicians most lacking in talent rise to the top and racial profiling is carried out with such cheery good humor. The only thing I like more than the neverending pressure to conform is the pleasure I get from conformity itself. I really love the way our dependence on fossil fuels entangles us in the conflicts of the Middle East, and also I like the way the petroleum companies fight to block the development of alternative energy and transportation, which are definitely un-American.
It makes me feel safe to know that the Government is watching me, so I don't have to worry about all the terrorists who want to hurt me. I like 1984 because it tells about how dangerous communism is. I like how suspected terrorists are held without trial, so I don't have to worry about the terrible things they might do to my family. I like to do what I'm told because the Government knows better than I do. Ronald Reagan is the greatest man who ever lived, and I cried when I found out he had died.
I like all the shopping malls we have here, and the rows and rows of shiny SUVs in the parking lots. I like people to see me at the mall so they will know that I am conforming to social expectations just like them. I like the way there are so many products to buy, and the way the advertisers tell me what to buy, and the happy fact that no matter what I buy, I'm helping our country's economy.
I like the way I never have to see or hear about homelessness and poverty, because no one cares about those things. I like the way professional athletes have astronomical salaries while teachers get almost nothing. I like all the opportunities I have to show off my wealth, like gold watches and titanium golf clubs. I like the way they make the children in public school say the Pledge of Allegiance every day, which teaches them to be loyal to their country and to the Christian God, even if they're not Christian. I love America because it is the greatest country ever, and there is nothing you could do to make it better.
April fools.
I like living in a country where the politicians most lacking in talent rise to the top and racial profiling is carried out with such cheery good humor. The only thing I like more than the neverending pressure to conform is the pleasure I get from conformity itself. I really love the way our dependence on fossil fuels entangles us in the conflicts of the Middle East, and also I like the way the petroleum companies fight to block the development of alternative energy and transportation, which are definitely un-American.
It makes me feel safe to know that the Government is watching me, so I don't have to worry about all the terrorists who want to hurt me. I like 1984 because it tells about how dangerous communism is. I like how suspected terrorists are held without trial, so I don't have to worry about the terrible things they might do to my family. I like to do what I'm told because the Government knows better than I do. Ronald Reagan is the greatest man who ever lived, and I cried when I found out he had died.
I like all the shopping malls we have here, and the rows and rows of shiny SUVs in the parking lots. I like people to see me at the mall so they will know that I am conforming to social expectations just like them. I like the way there are so many products to buy, and the way the advertisers tell me what to buy, and the happy fact that no matter what I buy, I'm helping our country's economy.
I like the way I never have to see or hear about homelessness and poverty, because no one cares about those things. I like the way professional athletes have astronomical salaries while teachers get almost nothing. I like all the opportunities I have to show off my wealth, like gold watches and titanium golf clubs. I like the way they make the children in public school say the Pledge of Allegiance every day, which teaches them to be loyal to their country and to the Christian God, even if they're not Christian. I love America because it is the greatest country ever, and there is nothing you could do to make it better.
April fools.
# posted by Ben @ 9:52 AM 
