Saturday, April 30, 2005
The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
The movie that everyone in the known galaxy has been waiting 26 years for is finally here, and in order to inform my loyal readers and also to satisfy my own curiosity, I went to see it on opening day. The result? This film was the epitomy of suck.
Now don't get me wrong. I went into this movie with an open mind. Probably unlike many of you fellow Hitchhikers, I wasn't expecting the book to be followed exactly, or every single piece of dialogue to be included. If they want to make Ford Prefect black, I said to myself, what the hell, as long as he can act. So you won't find me saying, "Uh, weren't Marvin's eyes red in the book?" What I was hoping for was something entertaining rather than painful, and it was here that I was disappointed. So, with no further ado, I present...
42 reasons why you should never see this movie
1. Ridiculous "So long and thanks for all the fish" musical number, which we are forced to listen to not once but twice.
2. Complete and total absence of the word "yellow."
3. Garth Jennings' unwholesome obsession with spherical objects (witness the Heart of Gold, Marvin's head, the escape pod, the thermonuclear missiles, etc...)
4. Vogons wearing powdered wigs.
5. General proliferation of unforgiveably ugly eyewear.
6. Marvin's small size and inexplicably large and spherical head.
7. Humma Kavula (who will seem eerily familiar to anyone who has ever seen Roald Hoffman's World of Chemistry.)
8. A Guide resembling something Apple might have come up with on a really, really bad day. For that matter, everything in this movie looks like that.
9. Thinking cap powered by lemons.
10. Martin Freeman's miserable acting.
11. Mos Def's miserable acting.
12. Sam Rockwell's miserable acting.
13. Garth Jennings' miserable directing. (George Lucas could have done a better job!)
14. Marvin's inexplicable return from the dead just when we thought something had finally gone right.
15. Absurd portrayal of Deep Thought as some sort of stone idol.
16. Trippy (but ultimately idiotic and pointless) stop-motion yarn scene. (If you've seen the movie you know what I'm talking about, otherwise you're better off not knowing.)
17. Egg-shaped Vogons bearing an uncanny resemblance to that thing Anakin rides on in the meadow scene of Episode II.
18. Idiotic weapons, from retarded chest-mounted blasters to the totally bogus "point of view" gun.
19. Incredibly long scene depicting an incredibly annoying crab.
20. Lengthy scene involving unexplained whacking things.
21. Zooey Deschanel, who is more attractive than Carrie-Anne Moss and better at acting than Keanu Reeves. But only very slightly.
22. Zooey Deschanel's abysmal acting, which she could have improved by taking lessons from a piece of cardboard.
23. Zooey Deschanel's face.
24. Zooey Deschanel's voice.
25. Zooey Deschanel's hair.
26. Every other part of Zooey Deschanel.
27. Zooey Deschanel's clothing (and lack thereof).
28. Inexcusable shower scene involving Zooey Deschanel.
29. Unaccountable removal of a perfectly good fake beard from Zooey Deschanel's face, forcing us to actually look at it.
30. Total lack of Zooey Deschanel's grisly death or even significant bodily injury (although the torture scene looked promising).
31. Vogons intended to be comical rather than menacing.
32. Idiotic love affair between Arthur and Trillian.
33. Casting so horrendous as to make a brave man weep.
34. Badly animated mice which are also, unexplainably, small children in stupid costumes.
35. Graphic depictions of oceans being filled with fire hoses.
36. Marvin, who is supposed to be funny but fails miserably (no pun intended).
37. You will be putting money in Disney's pocket.
38. You are almost certain to become physically ill after hearing Zooey Deschanel speak.
39. Being poked with a sharp stick for 110 minutes would be a better use of your $9.00.
40. The certainty that Douglas Adams is not merely rolling in his grave but actually spinning.
41. The inevitability of HHGG 2: The Restaurant at the End of the Universe.
42. Everything else I haven't already thought of.
Now don't get me wrong. I went into this movie with an open mind. Probably unlike many of you fellow Hitchhikers, I wasn't expecting the book to be followed exactly, or every single piece of dialogue to be included. If they want to make Ford Prefect black, I said to myself, what the hell, as long as he can act. So you won't find me saying, "Uh, weren't Marvin's eyes red in the book?" What I was hoping for was something entertaining rather than painful, and it was here that I was disappointed. So, with no further ado, I present...
42 reasons why you should never see this movie
1. Ridiculous "So long and thanks for all the fish" musical number, which we are forced to listen to not once but twice.
2. Complete and total absence of the word "yellow."
3. Garth Jennings' unwholesome obsession with spherical objects (witness the Heart of Gold, Marvin's head, the escape pod, the thermonuclear missiles, etc...)
4. Vogons wearing powdered wigs.
5. General proliferation of unforgiveably ugly eyewear.
6. Marvin's small size and inexplicably large and spherical head.
7. Humma Kavula (who will seem eerily familiar to anyone who has ever seen Roald Hoffman's World of Chemistry.)
8. A Guide resembling something Apple might have come up with on a really, really bad day. For that matter, everything in this movie looks like that.
9. Thinking cap powered by lemons.
10. Martin Freeman's miserable acting.
11. Mos Def's miserable acting.
12. Sam Rockwell's miserable acting.
13. Garth Jennings' miserable directing. (George Lucas could have done a better job!)
14. Marvin's inexplicable return from the dead just when we thought something had finally gone right.
15. Absurd portrayal of Deep Thought as some sort of stone idol.
16. Trippy (but ultimately idiotic and pointless) stop-motion yarn scene. (If you've seen the movie you know what I'm talking about, otherwise you're better off not knowing.)
17. Egg-shaped Vogons bearing an uncanny resemblance to that thing Anakin rides on in the meadow scene of Episode II.
18. Idiotic weapons, from retarded chest-mounted blasters to the totally bogus "point of view" gun.
19. Incredibly long scene depicting an incredibly annoying crab.
20. Lengthy scene involving unexplained whacking things.
21. Zooey Deschanel, who is more attractive than Carrie-Anne Moss and better at acting than Keanu Reeves. But only very slightly.
22. Zooey Deschanel's abysmal acting, which she could have improved by taking lessons from a piece of cardboard.
23. Zooey Deschanel's face.
24. Zooey Deschanel's voice.
25. Zooey Deschanel's hair.
26. Every other part of Zooey Deschanel.
27. Zooey Deschanel's clothing (and lack thereof).
28. Inexcusable shower scene involving Zooey Deschanel.
29. Unaccountable removal of a perfectly good fake beard from Zooey Deschanel's face, forcing us to actually look at it.
30. Total lack of Zooey Deschanel's grisly death or even significant bodily injury (although the torture scene looked promising).
31. Vogons intended to be comical rather than menacing.
32. Idiotic love affair between Arthur and Trillian.
33. Casting so horrendous as to make a brave man weep.
34. Badly animated mice which are also, unexplainably, small children in stupid costumes.
35. Graphic depictions of oceans being filled with fire hoses.
36. Marvin, who is supposed to be funny but fails miserably (no pun intended).
37. You will be putting money in Disney's pocket.
38. You are almost certain to become physically ill after hearing Zooey Deschanel speak.
39. Being poked with a sharp stick for 110 minutes would be a better use of your $9.00.
40. The certainty that Douglas Adams is not merely rolling in his grave but actually spinning.
41. The inevitability of HHGG 2: The Restaurant at the End of the Universe.
42. Everything else I haven't already thought of.
# posted by Ben @ 11:38 AM 
Comments:
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Sadly, this is the most accurate review of the movie I have read thus far. Visit my page to see computer-generated scenes of Zooey Deschanel's death*.
*deaths may or may not be contrived
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*deaths may or may not be contrived
# posted by 
: 5:19 PM
: 5:19 PM << Home
