Tuesday, April 19, 2005
Roller Backpacks
You know who you are. You cloggers of hallways and obstructors of stairwells and emergency exits, you confounders of fire marshals and injurers of the innocent, you assholes so lazy that you don't care that you're making life more difficult for everyone else. You roller-backpackers. You are the bane of every decent, hardworking student's existence. What the hell is wrong with you?
If you're one of the few people that actually has a legitimate excuse for loading your worldly possessions into one of these pedestrian-sideswiping monstrosities and taking it for a jog down C corridor, you can stop reading now and spare yourself a lot of needless insults. I'm sorry that circumstances have forced you to associate with the worthless brethren that circumstances have forced you to associate with. The rest of you morons pay attention, though.
The common, garden-variety backpack is a centuries-old, tried-and-true method of transporting solid objects from point A to point B while leaving the hands free to fend off muggers and Dairy Queen employees and preventing dangerous hallway blockage. Hundreds of years after this triumphant innovation took place, however, a hopeless failure of a human being said to himself, if I take this time-tested invention and add a long handle and two wheels, I'll be able to haul comic books in and out of my mother's basement without breaking a sweat or even, for that matter, bending over. And so the roller backpack was born.
Little has changed since those days. You high rollers of the schoolbook transportation world seem to inhabit a world where sloth and comic books reign supreme, where courtesy takes a back seat to knocking over pedestrians, and efficiency is subjugated in the name of clogging doorways and other apertures. While it may or may not be true that a rolling stone gathers no moss, it's definitely true that a rolling backpack leaves no hallway unblocked and no shin uninjured.
Is it really that fucking hard to actually carry your books from place to place rather than dragging them? Especially when the rolling backpack means you have difficulty opening every door and ascending every staircase without injuring innocent passersby and/or yourself? How the hell can contending with this mess be easier than strapping on a good old-fashioned backpack and going wherever the traveling spirit takes you? School isn't an airport; there's no way you have to haul around enough stuff to necessitate rolling luggage. So roll back the roller backpack, and the satisfaction of ending dependence on a useless and irritating device is yours.
If you're one of the few people that actually has a legitimate excuse for loading your worldly possessions into one of these pedestrian-sideswiping monstrosities and taking it for a jog down C corridor, you can stop reading now and spare yourself a lot of needless insults. I'm sorry that circumstances have forced you to associate with the worthless brethren that circumstances have forced you to associate with. The rest of you morons pay attention, though.
The common, garden-variety backpack is a centuries-old, tried-and-true method of transporting solid objects from point A to point B while leaving the hands free to fend off muggers and Dairy Queen employees and preventing dangerous hallway blockage. Hundreds of years after this triumphant innovation took place, however, a hopeless failure of a human being said to himself, if I take this time-tested invention and add a long handle and two wheels, I'll be able to haul comic books in and out of my mother's basement without breaking a sweat or even, for that matter, bending over. And so the roller backpack was born.
Little has changed since those days. You high rollers of the schoolbook transportation world seem to inhabit a world where sloth and comic books reign supreme, where courtesy takes a back seat to knocking over pedestrians, and efficiency is subjugated in the name of clogging doorways and other apertures. While it may or may not be true that a rolling stone gathers no moss, it's definitely true that a rolling backpack leaves no hallway unblocked and no shin uninjured.
Is it really that fucking hard to actually carry your books from place to place rather than dragging them? Especially when the rolling backpack means you have difficulty opening every door and ascending every staircase without injuring innocent passersby and/or yourself? How the hell can contending with this mess be easier than strapping on a good old-fashioned backpack and going wherever the traveling spirit takes you? School isn't an airport; there's no way you have to haul around enough stuff to necessitate rolling luggage. So roll back the roller backpack, and the satisfaction of ending dependence on a useless and irritating device is yours.
# posted by Ben @ 8:15 PM 
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Thank you. I can't stand rollerbackpacks, and the dipshits who carry them around.
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# posted by 
: 10:30 PM
: 10:30 PM << Home
