Tuesday, May 17, 2005
Mathematics
Mathematicians are ruining the world. This may seem like a preposterous claim to some of you morons, but it's absolutely true, and those of you who doubt this probably have no idea just what it is that mathematicians actually do.
What mathematicians do is this: they spend large amounts of time and larger amounts of money, first to slowly and painfully come up with pointless theorems, and then to prove them even more slowly and painfully. These results are then used by the next generation of mathematicians to do exactly the same thing. The field of mathematics is a vacuum than traps many of the world's great minds in useless endeavors that will never do anyone any good. Every brilliant mathematician is one less brilliant person available to work on something that matters, like curing cancer or solving the problem of world hunger.
For instance, Andrew Wiles spent seven years trying to prove Fermat's last theorem. When he finally accomplished this, he became instantly famous among mathematicians for proving an utterly useless and inconsequential triviality. For you non-mathematicians out there, the theorem states that the equation
What mathematicians do is this: they spend large amounts of time and larger amounts of money, first to slowly and painfully come up with pointless theorems, and then to prove them even more slowly and painfully. These results are then used by the next generation of mathematicians to do exactly the same thing. The field of mathematics is a vacuum than traps many of the world's great minds in useless endeavors that will never do anyone any good. Every brilliant mathematician is one less brilliant person available to work on something that matters, like curing cancer or solving the problem of world hunger.
For instance, Andrew Wiles spent seven years trying to prove Fermat's last theorem. When he finally accomplished this, he became instantly famous among mathematicians for proving an utterly useless and inconsequential triviality. For you non-mathematicians out there, the theorem states that the equation
xn + yn = zn
has no real solutions for n>2. Mathematicians were overjoyed that this pointless statement had finally been proved, but what did Andrew Wiles actually accomplish? Next time you see a homeless person or someone with AIDS, ask them how they benefited from the proof of Fermat's last theorem.
Another example of the sheer pointlessness of pure mathematics is the infamous four-color map problem. The point of this problem is to prove that you can color in any map with only four colors, without any two countries of the same color touching. Countless time and resources have been spent to try and prove this, but for what? The only possible benefit that could come from proving this statement is that it would allow cartographers to order only four colors of ink with absolute confidence (which they do anyway). Ask someone dying of cancer how they feel about that.
The thing is, mathematics should be a tool, not a field. The only real math is applied mathematics— math used to solve real world problems. Math as a tool for practical applications was almost completely developed by the 1700s, so why are there still mathematicians? Math for its own sake is idiotic. There have been no mathematical developments in the last century that helped anyone other than other mathematicians.
In the long run, devoting your life to solving an unsolved problem like the Riemann Hypothesis is just about as productive as devoting it to getting the high score in Area 51. At the end of it, all you end up with is a sore index finger, your initials immortalized on the high score list, and the empty satisfaction of a meaningless accomplishment. No matter how brilliant the mathematician, that brilliance is completely wasted in the intelligence sinkhole that is pure mathematics.
If any mathematicians should happen to read this, now is your chance to do something useful with your life. You may gain everlasting fame for proving the Riemann Hypothesis, but only among other mathematicians. All you'll really accomplish is laying the groundwork for another generation of mathematicians to throw away their lives. In the real world no one gives a shit whether the Riemann Hypothesis is proved or not. The real world has problems of its own. Why don't you try rejoining it?
Another example of the sheer pointlessness of pure mathematics is the infamous four-color map problem. The point of this problem is to prove that you can color in any map with only four colors, without any two countries of the same color touching. Countless time and resources have been spent to try and prove this, but for what? The only possible benefit that could come from proving this statement is that it would allow cartographers to order only four colors of ink with absolute confidence (which they do anyway). Ask someone dying of cancer how they feel about that.
The thing is, mathematics should be a tool, not a field. The only real math is applied mathematics— math used to solve real world problems. Math as a tool for practical applications was almost completely developed by the 1700s, so why are there still mathematicians? Math for its own sake is idiotic. There have been no mathematical developments in the last century that helped anyone other than other mathematicians.
In the long run, devoting your life to solving an unsolved problem like the Riemann Hypothesis is just about as productive as devoting it to getting the high score in Area 51. At the end of it, all you end up with is a sore index finger, your initials immortalized on the high score list, and the empty satisfaction of a meaningless accomplishment. No matter how brilliant the mathematician, that brilliance is completely wasted in the intelligence sinkhole that is pure mathematics.
If any mathematicians should happen to read this, now is your chance to do something useful with your life. You may gain everlasting fame for proving the Riemann Hypothesis, but only among other mathematicians. All you'll really accomplish is laying the groundwork for another generation of mathematicians to throw away their lives. In the real world no one gives a shit whether the Riemann Hypothesis is proved or not. The real world has problems of its own. Why don't you try rejoining it?
# posted by Ben @ 6:03 PM 
